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The Joke Thread
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James
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 9:39 pm    Post subject:  Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

scallopboy wrote:
How do you do that spoiler thing, I'm awffy impressed






James H
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wee minx
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 9:24 pm    Post subject: Viagra Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 9 inches tall, walks into a chemist and asks to speak to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes over, and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Dae ye sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then asks, "Dae ye think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist says, "Maybe, if you took five or six pills at once you might."
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Smartalex
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 9:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

A nun gets on a bus that's empty except for the driver,

She Says:- I'm going to die soon but I want to have sex before I do, But i must remain a virgin so it must be Anal and I can't commit adultery so the man must be single......
Can you fulfil my wish?

Yes Says the driver and fulfils her wish......Then feeling guilty say's "I'm Sorry I Lied, I'm married with three Kids"

That's O.K said the Nun, I lied too..........

Spoiler:

My Name is Keith and I'm going to a Fancy Dress Party!


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wee minx
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 1:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Guy bumps into his mate in hope street and he's sporting a keeker.
His mate asks him if he was fighting, he replies, "No, the barmaid in that pub whacked me"
His pal asked why ,he said "I came off the train from euston and went in for a pint. My luggage was in the way of fellow drinkers so i asked the barman if he could put my bag behind the bar.No problem says the barman.
A couple of hours later and a change of bar staff it was time for the road. The barmaid came over and I asked for my holdall.......
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 8:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Scottish man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scottish man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thats full O coos Sharn ' (Don't drink the water ya fool, it's full of cow s ** t.)

The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scottish man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 6:01 pm    Post subject: The Tight Skirt Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realised that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zip halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 10:59 pm    Post subject: The Idiot Awards 2006 Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Number One Idiot of 2006
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America

Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught i n an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.

Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
"Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot Number Seven of 2006
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 10:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

I have been banned from the local swimming baths.
How the f*ck was I supposed to know that the S had peeled off my Speedo trunks
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wee minx
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 10:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Am just back fae a garden fete, at ma local church.
We hud a Strawberry Crushin competition.
A wummin wea nae legs won it
Jammy cnut!
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AlanM
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 10:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

scallopboy wrote:
Scottish man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scottish man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thats full O coos Sharn ' (Don't drink the water ya fool, it's full of cow s ** t.)

The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scottish man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'


A version of that joke appeared in the Diary in today's Herald
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