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The Joke Thread
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Alycidon
Sausage supper
Sausage supper


Joined: 24 Aug 2007
Posts: 637


Location: Eaglesham

PostPosted: Mon Jan 25, 2016 1:47 pm    Post subject:  Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started..
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started..
________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scales.
And that's when the fight started.....
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started........
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
And that's when the fight started.
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Doorstop
Ice cream fritter
Ice cream fritter


Joined: 06 Oct 2007
Posts: 2772


Location: Security on the door to the arse-end of Nihilsville

PostPosted: Tue Jan 26, 2016 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Guy sticks his head round the living room door and says to the wife "This weather's terrible. I fancy a night in the pub .. get your coat on"

Wife, usually stuck indoors, says "Oh, so you're actually asking me along?"

Bloke says "fcuk no, I'm putting the heating off while I'm out."
_________________
I like him .. he says "Okie Dokie"
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Alycidon
Sausage supper
Sausage supper


Joined: 24 Aug 2007
Posts: 637


Location: Eaglesham

PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2016 8:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Grave Humour

A tourist visiting a graveyard in Vienna, suddenly hears strange music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.  
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
"Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770 - 1827"
Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave.
While they are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward, the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says.






"He's decomposing."
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Gina
Pizza supper
Pizza supper


Joined: 24 Feb 2012
Posts: 492


Location: South Wales

PostPosted: Fri Jan 29, 2016 5:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him
on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with
freshly-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you.."
"I asked him what to give you. He said, fu.ck him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
_________________
Confucius say, "Man who goes through turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok."
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Gina
Pizza supper
Pizza supper


Joined: 24 Feb 2012
Posts: 492


Location: South Wales

PostPosted: Sun Jan 31, 2016 6:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Daddy, why do people hang horses?" asked my daughter.
"Nobody hangs horses, darling," As I consoled her. "Who told you that people hang horses?"
"No-one, – I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse."


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India . The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call centre.
No doubt you have spoken to him .................. I know I have!!!


Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman in a psychology lesson.
Teacher asks Englishman what's opposite of joy? He says sorrow.
He asks Scotsman what's opposite of depression? He says happiness.
He asks, Paddy what's the opposite of woe? He says.....giddy up!
_________________
Confucius say, "Man who goes through turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok."
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fastnet
Moderator
Moderator


Joined: 26 Oct 2008
Posts: 6981


Location: On ma arse, In ma hoose.

PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2016 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

   
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Doog Doog
Kebab Pizza
Kebab Pizza


Joined: 05 Jul 2009
Posts: 5840


Location: Crookston

PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2016 10:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

 
_________________
Vegetable soup - the only food that looks the same when puked back up!
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Gina
Pizza supper
Pizza supper


Joined: 24 Feb 2012
Posts: 492


Location: South Wales

PostPosted: Thu Mar 03, 2016 11:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Policeman, "Hello sarge, you know that domestic you sent me to, well it turns out that a woman has murdered her husband because he walked on the floor she had just washed"
Sergeant, "Have you arrested her?"
Policeman, "No sarge, the floor is still wet".
_________________
Confucius say, "Man who goes through turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok."
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Alycidon
Sausage supper
Sausage supper


Joined: 24 Aug 2007
Posts: 637


Location: Eaglesham

PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2016 3:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Irishman out fishing in a boat, and wanted a smoke but had forgotten his matches.

He then had a bright idea and took another cigarette out of the packet and threw it overboard
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wait for it
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

He thought it would make the boat a cigarette lighter.
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sputnik
Deep fried Mars bar
Deep fried Mars bar


Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 1212



PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2016 8:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

grumble groan

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