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The Joke Thread
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 11:41 pm    Post subject:  Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

AlanM wrote:
scallopboy wrote:
Scottish man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scottish man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thats full O coos Sharn ' (Don't drink the water ya fool, it's full of cow s ** t.)

The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scottish man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'


A version of that joke appeared in the Diary in today's Herald


Looks like the Herald have discovered UG
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 7:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

A few funnies from today, courtesy of b3ta


Noit for the religious ones



Big Friendly Giant you say? More like one giant, smoking & littering twunt
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 10:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

It made me laugh
http://tinyurl.com/2hhrrs its no rude and safe for work
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 12:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Insert Name Here wrote:
It made me laugh
http://tinyurl.com/2hhrrs its no rude and safe for work


Work? What's that then?
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 11:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

A little boy was taking a shower with his mom. The young kid pointed between his mom's legs and asked, 'Mommy, what is that?'
The mother, surprised, said, 'Oh, that's where God hit me with his Golden Axe.'
Quick with a response, the young boy replied, 'Wow, a Golden Axe right in the chunt, that must have hurt!'
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 11:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

My joke for the day (whats left of it, from ICHC (hope that place is ok to use ))

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 11:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Answers Men Would Love To Give To Women's Stupid Questions...:

1. No we can't be friends, I just want you for sex.
2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that f*cking icecream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
3. You've got no chance of me calling you.
4. No, I won't be gentle.
5. Of course you have to swallow.
6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
7. I hate your f*cking friends.
8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonite.
9. I'd rather watch a porno.
10. Eat it??? It took me ten pints to get up the courage to f*ck it.
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 11:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods






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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 7:23 pm    Post subject: Fridays Joke Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the
stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both counsellors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you f--king idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to
the electric chair."
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 26, 2007 9:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets
in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one
daughter walked into the room in tears.

What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the
daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16
years ago.

A week later her son (Daniel ) walked into the room in tears. "It's
okay" said
the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet
came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was having a w**k and I shot the dog."

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