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cybers · Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 1:52 pm Post subject:

_________________
MY FLICKR

wee minx · Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:49 pm Post subject:

A Brief Guide To Religious Philosophies

Catholicism: If s**t happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: S**t won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: Why does this s**t always happen to me?

Buddhism: When s**t happens, is it really s**t?

Islam: If s**t happens, take a hostage.

Hinduism: This s**t happened before.

Hare Krishna: S**t happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this s**t.
_________________
Am a Wee Glasgow Bissom ye know! :)

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

wee minx · Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:51 pm Post subject:

HOME REMEDIES
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.
REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
_________________
Am a Wee Glasgow Bissom ye know! :)

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

wee minx · Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:52 pm Post subject:

A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the playground standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says

'It's best I stay here' he says.

''Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: “Because I’m the fecking goalie”
_________________
Am a Wee Glasgow Bissom ye know! :)

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

wee minx · Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:02 pm Post subject:

A little catholic humor.

VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this! and eat it for it is my body.'
He did not say 'Eat me'.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'..

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

_________________
Am a Wee Glasgow Bissom ye know! :)

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

cybers · Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:06 pm Post subject: I will survive (ADULT VERSION)

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
_________________
MY FLICKR

wee minx · Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:18 pm Post subject:

sing along now bzzzzzzzzz

_________________
Am a Wee Glasgow Bissom ye know! :)

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

Alycidon · Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 11:44 am Post subject:

An apparently true announcement from the Train Conductor on a HIgh Speed Train on the London to Edinburgh route.

"GNER would like to apoligise for the delay to this service, I have bad news and good news however.
The bad news is that both engines have failed,

... the good news is that you are aboard a train and not a Boeing 757"

AlanM · Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject:

lexi · Roll and fritter Joined: 01 Oct 2007 Posts: 15

Why don't young girls fart?

Because they don't have an as*hole, until they get married.