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james73 · Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 1:18 pm Post subject:

James H
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Happiness ain't at the end of the road - Happiness *IS* the road...

Doorstop · Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 5:13 pm Post subject:

Dave the Scouser is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?"

"Liverpool," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Leeds," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ian St John."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Liverpool, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to American and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."
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Fjord · Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 8:58 pm Post subject:

A cannibal finds one of his fellow cannibals distraught and crying beside a pile of sh1te 'What's up?' he asks...

The weeping cannibal replies... 'I've just dumped my girlfriend'

james73 · Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 9:09 pm Post subject:

Furfuxake - that one is a new low...

James H
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Happiness ain't at the end of the road - Happiness *IS* the road...

wee minx · Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 9:14 pm Post subject:

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Am a Wee Glasgow Bissom ye know! :)

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

wee minx · Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 5:59 pm Post subject:

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30
seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'ya cnut!'
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Am a Wee Glasgow Bissom ye know! :)

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

Smartalex · Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 6:07 pm Post subject:

Speakers on?
>Click Me<
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My Photo's

Doorstop · Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 9:15 am Post subject:

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground and called out "Daddy, come and see what these two funny spiders are doing."

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two Daddy Longlegs in the process of making baby Daddy Longlegs.

The Dad smiled and said "They're just mating Sweetheart."

"What do you call the spider on top?" the daughter asked.

"Daddy Longlegs" the father replied

"So, the other one is a Mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then stood up, says "RIGHT!!" raises her foot and, *CRUNCH*, stomps them flat and said, "We're having none of that Brokeback-Mountain sh!t in our garden."
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Unh@ppyb@st@rd · Bag of chips Joined: 23 Nov 2007 Posts: 116

After 63 years of debate, I have reached a valid conslusion as to why Germany lost the war. It had nothing to do with the American alliance or D-day. The penetration of French coasts to allow allied troops into mainland Europe was just a spec of dust to what we discovered only days ago.

Germany lost the war simply because

.......

wait for it

nearly there

phew just about there

SCISSORS BEATS PAPER

you know it makes sense

wee minx · Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 8:49 pm Post subject:

excellent

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Am a Wee Glasgow Bissom ye know! :)

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.