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The Joke Thread
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Hawick_1987
Deep fried Mars bar
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Joined: 13 Jan 2012
Posts: 2002


Location: Dennistoun

PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2016 9:25 pm    Post subject:  Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Well, at least we 'remainers' can spell approved thanks to Article 14 of the EU Charter of Fundamental Rights  
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Gina
Pizza supper
Pizza supper


Joined: 24 Feb 2012
Posts: 491


Location: South Wales

PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 1:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Three parrots are for sale, one priced £300 one priced £150 and one priced £10.
A woman comes up to the seller and asks, “Why is that parrot so cheap?
The seller says “It used to live in a brothel. The woman thinks this is funny and buys it.
When she gets home and takes the cover off the cage the parrot says, “Wow, a new brothel!”
The woman laughs then the door opens and her two daughters walk in, “Bloody Hell" says the parrot, "New girls too!”
They all laugh then the door opens and the woman’s husband walks in. The parrot says, “Oh dear, same old bloody customers”
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Alycidon
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Joined: 24 Aug 2007
Posts: 634


Location: Eaglesham

PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2016 2:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

A blonde phones her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me out. I have a really difficult jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t work out how to get it started.”
He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “ The picture on the box, shows a rooster.”
When her boyfriend arrives he finds she has spread the pieces all over the table.
He glances at the pieces, then takes hold of the box and says:
“Firstly you daft bint, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to make these pieces into anything that even slightly resembles a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly dearest, I want you to take a deep breath, and then…..” (as he tries to stifle a snigger),
“We will put all these Corn Flakes back in the box.”
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Doorstop
Ice cream fritter
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Joined: 06 Oct 2007
Posts: 2770


Location: Security on the door to the arse-end of Nihilsville

PostPosted: Thu Mar 09, 2017 9:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

One for the physics buffs:



One for the physics buffs:

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are heading back from the lab when they get pulled over by the cops.

The cop gets out and asks Heisenberg to roll his window down.

"Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" asks the officer.

"No .. " says Heisenberg, "but I can tell you exactly where we are!!".

The cop struggles with this for a second before saying "sir, you were traveling at 65 in a 50 zone".

"Well, that's it!" proclaims Heisenberg in exasperation "Now I've no bloody idea where I am!!"

"Are you drunk?" says the policeman, "Open the boot!"

Heisenberg opens the boot and the cop shines his torch inside.

"Hey!! .. there's a dead cat in here!" the policeman yells in surprise.

Schrodinger shouts back, "Well now there fuckin' is!"
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Doorstop
Ice cream fritter
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Joined: 06 Oct 2007
Posts: 2770


Location: Security on the door to the arse-end of Nihilsville

PostPosted: Sun Mar 19, 2017 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Young gunslinger wannabe walks into the saloon and spies an old hand at the game sitting at the end of the bar.

He walks over to the gnarled and world weary looking slinger and says "Hey! Aren't you Quick Draw Cassidy?"

"Yeah, kid" replies the slinger "What do you want?"

The young buck says "A few hints and tips, if you don't mind. I plan on being the best, just like you were."

The slinger looks the buck up and down and says "That holster is tied too high on your thigh. Untie it, loosen the belt until the gun drops six inches and see how that feels."

The buck does as he's told and whips the gun out, lightning quick, and shoots the cigar out of the saloon piano players mouth.

"That's great!!" says the buck "Much faster .. anything else?"

The slinger looks at the muzzle of the gun and says "You hang slightly to the right when you draw. Bend the gunsight a bit to the left to compensate."

The buck bangs the gunsight on the edge of the bar until it's bent to one side slightly. He holsters the gun and, once again, pulls out lightning fast and shoots the hat off the piano player as he tickles the ivories.

"Wow.." he says "what a difference. Anything else?"

The slinger says pull that gun out and let me see your holster."

The buck obliges and the slingers says "If you cut a notch out of the back of the holster, that'll allow you to level the gun quicker"

The buck takes out his Bowie knife and cuts a deep groove in the back of the leather and replaces the gun before carrying out a near perfect quick draw and firing another round, this time smashing the piano players beer glass into a thousand glittering smithereens.

"I can't tell you what a help you've been.." says the buck "Do you have one last tip for me before I go earn my fame and fortune?"

"Yeah .. " says the grizzled slinger "Go into the kitchen and ask thenm to cover your gun in chicken fat".

"Why? .. " says the buck, "Will that make it slip out of the holster even faster?"

"Nope!" says the slinger "but when Wyatt Earpe has finished playing his tune he's gonna shove it up your arse."
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Gina
Pizza supper
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Joined: 24 Feb 2012
Posts: 491


Location: South Wales

PostPosted: Mon Mar 20, 2017 11:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

   
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