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The Joke Thread
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Hawick_1987
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Joined: 13 Jan 2012
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Location: Dennistoun

PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2016 10:25 pm    Post subject:  Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Well, at least we 'remainers' can spell approved thanks to Article 14 of the EU Charter of Fundamental Rights  
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Gina
Pizza supper
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Joined: 24 Feb 2012
Posts: 496


Location: South Wales

PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 2:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Three parrots are for sale, one priced £300 one priced £150 and one priced £10.
A woman comes up to the seller and asks, “Why is that parrot so cheap?
The seller says “It used to live in a brothel. The woman thinks this is funny and buys it.
When she gets home and takes the cover off the cage the parrot says, “Wow, a new brothel!”
The woman laughs then the door opens and her two daughters walk in, “Bloody Hell" says the parrot, "New girls too!”
They all laugh then the door opens and the woman’s husband walks in. The parrot says, “Oh dear, same old bloody customers”
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Confucius say, "Man who goes through turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok."
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Alycidon
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Joined: 24 Aug 2007
Posts: 646


Location: Eaglesham

PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2016 3:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

A blonde phones her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me out. I have a really difficult jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t work out how to get it started.”
He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “ The picture on the box, shows a rooster.”
When her boyfriend arrives he finds she has spread the pieces all over the table.
He glances at the pieces, then takes hold of the box and says:
“Firstly you daft bint, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to make these pieces into anything that even slightly resembles a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly dearest, I want you to take a deep breath, and then…..” (as he tries to stifle a snigger),
“We will put all these Corn Flakes back in the box.”
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Doorstop
Ice cream fritter
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Joined: 06 Oct 2007
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Location: Security on the door to the arse-end of Nihilsville

PostPosted: Thu Mar 09, 2017 10:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

One for the physics buffs:



One for the physics buffs:

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are heading back from the lab when they get pulled over by the cops.

The cop gets out and asks Heisenberg to roll his window down.

"Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" asks the officer.

"No .. " says Heisenberg, "but I can tell you exactly where we are!!".

The cop struggles with this for a second before saying "sir, you were traveling at 65 in a 50 zone".

"Well, that's it!" proclaims Heisenberg in exasperation "Now I've no bloody idea where I am!!"

"Are you drunk?" says the policeman, "Open the boot!"

Heisenberg opens the boot and the cop shines his torch inside.

"Hey!! .. there's a dead cat in here!" the policeman yells in surprise.

Schrodinger shouts back, "Well now there fuckin' is!"
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Doorstop
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Location: Security on the door to the arse-end of Nihilsville

PostPosted: Sun Mar 19, 2017 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Young gunslinger wannabe walks into the saloon and spies an old hand at the game sitting at the end of the bar.

He walks over to the gnarled and world weary looking slinger and says "Hey! Aren't you Quick Draw Cassidy?"

"Yeah, kid" replies the slinger "What do you want?"

The young buck says "A few hints and tips, if you don't mind. I plan on being the best, just like you were."

The slinger looks the buck up and down and says "That holster is tied too high on your thigh. Untie it, loosen the belt until the gun drops six inches and see how that feels."

The buck does as he's told and whips the gun out, lightning quick, and shoots the cigar out of the saloon piano players mouth.

"That's great!!" says the buck "Much faster .. anything else?"

The slinger looks at the muzzle of the gun and says "You hang slightly to the right when you draw. Bend the gunsight a bit to the left to compensate."

The buck bangs the gunsight on the edge of the bar until it's bent to one side slightly. He holsters the gun and, once again, pulls out lightning fast and shoots the hat off the piano player as he tickles the ivories.

"Wow.." he says "what a difference. Anything else?"

The slinger says pull that gun out and let me see your holster."

The buck obliges and the slingers says "If you cut a notch out of the back of the holster, that'll allow you to level the gun quicker"

The buck takes out his Bowie knife and cuts a deep groove in the back of the leather and replaces the gun before carrying out a near perfect quick draw and firing another round, this time smashing the piano players beer glass into a thousand glittering smithereens.

"I can't tell you what a help you've been.." says the buck "Do you have one last tip for me before I go earn my fame and fortune?"

"Yeah .. " says the grizzled slinger "Go into the kitchen and ask thenm to cover your gun in chicken fat".

"Why? .. " says the buck, "Will that make it slip out of the holster even faster?"

"Nope!" says the slinger "but when Wyatt Earpe has finished playing his tune he's gonna shove it up your arse."
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Gina
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Joined: 24 Feb 2012
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Location: South Wales

PostPosted: Mon Mar 20, 2017 12:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

   
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Confucius say, "Man who goes through turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok."
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ken198960
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Joined: 08 Dec 2013
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Location: glasgow

PostPosted: Sun May 21, 2017 3:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Theresa May dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts her to an elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and she finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it her dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped her out over the years.......
The whole of the "Right" was there. Everyone laughing...happy...casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to May with a frosty drink, "Have a Marguerita and relax, Theresa!"
"Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight" says May, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, Theresa: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
May takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad.
They are having such a great time that, before she realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as May steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, she is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours May is made to chill with a bunch of honest,
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, she doesn't see anybody she knows, and she isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to May, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff.
"Whoa," she says uncomfortably to herself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, May
reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this - I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all - but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of like Middlesborough.
She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to May and puts an arm around her shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked May, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and
caviar....drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
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Alycidon
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Joined: 24 Aug 2007
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Location: Eaglesham

PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 8:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

Nice reworking of an old joke
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ken198960
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Joined: 08 Dec 2013
Posts: 939


Location: glasgow

PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2017 8:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Report this post to Mods

A Texan decided to write a book about famous churches around the world, so he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Rome. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by, what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
His next stop was in Moscow. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Rome and he asked a nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "OK. Thank you," said the American.
He then traveled to France, Israel, Germany and Brazil. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with a "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American finally decided to travel to Scotland to see if the Scots had the same telephone. He arrived in Glasgow and again, in Glasgow Cathedral, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "20p per call". The American was surprised so he asked the minister about the sign. "Minister, I've traveled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but everywhere I went the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The minister smiled and answered, "You're in Scotland now son. It's a local call."

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